A season of hurt. No one prepares you for this. No one even tells you what it is. This is probably the first time many of you are hearing these words put together like this. It was for me when I read them in a book this past weekend. “A season of hurt. How long can hurt actually last, a full season? That cannot be possible.” Those were my exact thoughts.
A season of hurt is a time when your emotions catch up with you. When the hurt, is actually emotionally and physically hurting you. When you think like you are finally doing okay, then you start to cry, and your heart physically hurts inside of your chest. With no warning, you lose all words and have no idea what you are feeling. That is a season of hurt. That is when every day starts fresh and new, positive and feeling good. Then by about 3 o’clock you slowly start to slip into your own thoughts and forget who you are for a few minutes. You forget why you are sad and suddenly it all just crashes on to you.
The more I think about this, the more stories I hear and read, the more I think that this is when people, typically those after college “searching” for themselves, go off to another country without a phone for 3-5 months. Then suddenly reappear with life figured out and seem like a brand-new human being. Maybe that is the season of hurt you know more about, but is never actually really spoken about. It’s just an understanding that when people go off like that, its soul searching. A season of hurt is just that, soul searching. Finding who you are truly called to be.
Anything can trigger this. A death, a breakup, harsh words, the realization that not everyone has the same heart as you.
It’s a vicious cycle. Something I was not prepared for. The good mornings, the sad afternoons, the lonely nights, the nightmares that wake me up at 12, 3, and 5 am. You probably aren’t going to be prepared for this time of life either, some of you may not know what I am talking about and may never experience this feeling. But those of you reading this, you are not alone. And neither am I.
That time in the afternoon when I feel like I am breaking down and I don’t have any answers to what is happening to me. I slip into negative self-talk and thoughts, this is a greater evil trying to break down the few bricks I put up this morning. Those are the few bricks I was able to set by reading and understanding His word. Those are my bricks of God that I am so desperately trying to build back up.
The evil thing is trying to steal and break my bricks. But guess what? God is there. He pulls me back to reality and helps save the rest of my bricks. He will not allow my wall to fall, or yours. He knows your strength, He knows my strength, and He reminds us of what we are truly capable of. And that is not letting our bricks fall. He created me, He created you. And no way is He going to allow that evil to strip away every single brick that you are working so hard to hold on to. He knows your value, do not forget that.
A season of hurt is something not everyone experiences. I never thought I would honestly. This is because the seasons I was supposed to experience, always got interrupted. They were always caught by something or someone before I could allow myself to feel. Whether that be through a new relationship, a new person knocking on my door to try and convince me life is more fun with a significant other. Through a new friend, someone who helps me forget my feelings by moving from place to place, person to person, laughing but never really feeling joy. Or even an opportunity that magically covers up that hurt. Like an amazing trip to the beach or a new deal with a brand I have been wanting to land. It has always been something. Something that always stood in the way of me reaching that deep level of hurt and confusion within myself. But now, today as I am writing this, there is none of that.
For once, I stepped back and allowed hurt, anger, and confusion fill my mind, body and heart. Heartbreaks from high school have even appeared in my eyes. Something I have literally not thought twice about since the day it happened when I was 17. Feelings of rejection from middle school set in, why was I upset about the one time a girl said I had big feet?
I am telling you all this because if you are like me, your emotions last a few days, maybe a week, then you move on. Because society tells you to “Move on, it’s just a break up.” Your friends will say, “Forget him, you can do better.” And your mind tells you, “Get over it. Others don’t want to deal with this again and there are worse things going on in the world.”
So you know what we do.. We “move on” and act like the pain was never there and that life is fine and dandy, nothing to see here just moving on and forgetting about what happened.
We all believe these lies.
Rejection hurts. Feeling like you are not enough, hurts. Not getting all of the answers, hurts. But taking the time to feel this hurt shows so much strength and courage.
Girls and guys… No one wants to feel hurt. But God did. He did on the cross. He did when He died for our sins. Sins that He knew about then, now, and in the future. He knew what He was doing and did it completely out of love for each and every one of us.
So, here is my season of hurt. I am learning, I am understanding, and I am practicing how to better myself, so this season of hurt was not for nothing. So that is it for a greater purpose that God has intended this entire time.
Maybe this season of hurt is so I will learn how to be more relatable, less self-consumed, more focused on my relationship with Christ because He knows and I know that has been lacking for years now.
Everything happens for a reason. This season of hurt is for a reason. Mine, yours, everyone’s. The last few weeks, so many people have said to me “God has a plan for you.” And when I say SO MANY PEOPLE have said this to me, I am serious. I even let out a laugh after the last person texted it to me because all I can think of is, “Okay well what is this plan and can it start now because I need answers.”
I don’t get the answers immediately this time. I don’t even get a single solid answer to this plan today. But you know what? For once, I listened to what these people were saying to me. It got to the point that so many people told me those 6 words, I knew that was my answer. God was telling me, through other people, that it was time for me to come home. It was time for me to reconnect and find my voice through Him again.
The people were right, He does have a plan.
Never in a million years would I expect myself to post this on a website. Never in a million years believe I would be posting Instagram stories talking about my feelings on a deeply personal level. But I am, and each and every one of you are the reason I am opening up. Because I was not meant to go through this season of hurt alone, and neither are you.
Only good comes from a season of hurt. Remember that. Whether your time is now or in 3 years, there is only good that will flow from the entire situation. God will never allow so much pain not to experience SO MUCH MORE joy.
Hold on and stay strong.
Let yourself feel for once, do not become numb in your thoughts.
I always experienced and stayed in this numb phase, then would let it all go and walk a few steps forward. Briefly forgetting what it was and finding other things and people to focus my attention. Then eventually forgetting about the numbness. I never got any better. It only built up. Those were only band aids; this season of hurt is much more than numbness. It’s feeling. It is raw and it is here right now.
I am choosing to let go and let God take control…finally. Hopefully during your “season of hurt,” you will know you are not alone and that we will all experience the hardest minutes, hours, and days we have ever endured before. But you will come out stronger and more of the “you” that God has intended for this entire time.
I am writing this open letter about my season of hurt to start a conversation. To erase the stigmas of forgetting and moving on. It is okay to feel and to experience something scary. You know why? Because there are people here, God is here, to hold your hand and remind you that this is only part of your story.
“12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:12